I don't want him.
A pleasant, warm feeling bubbled up inside Luke as he looked up from the cup of stim-tea he had placed on his tray. He had come to the canteen a bit later that morning and most of the other pilots had already begun eating when he walked into the dining area. Walking over to the front of the room, he had caught his lover's eye for a few seconds and both men had smiled quickly before anyone else had noticed their silent good morning. All around him, the hum of voices faded and he heard nothing, save the quiet beat of his heart that quickened at that small grin. Luke had looked away as Wedge turned to the man sitting next to him, but he could still feel the smile on his lips, knowing Wedge smiled even as his attention drifted away from Luke for the moment.
The thought had come into his mind then and kept recurring. It surprised him oddly, almost excited him. There were dozens words he could use to define his relationship with Wedge, but 'want' suddenly seemed very wrong.
Luke dumped two spoonfuls of sweetener into his tea and turned to greet one of his friends. The hum of voices and clatter of utensils filled his ears once more, but the smile lingered in his heart.
I don't want him.
He desired Wedge, there was no doubt of that. The double sensation of warmth coiling in the pit of his stomach and shivers creeping up his spine whenever Wedge looked at him assured Luke of that.
Force, he wanted to see Wedge's eyes first thing in the morning. Heavy lidded and unfocused, his eyes had a soft light upon first waking. That was his most defenseless moment. No expectations, worries, fears, or anxieties were reflected in his lover's eyes then. Luke loved to twine his arms around Wedge's neck and look into his eyes for those few innocent seconds. The galaxy seemed to fall away for a moment, leaving only two men and one perfect moment.
Yet, Luke wouldn't trade a lifetime of perfect, peaceful moments for the excited light that flashed through his lover's eyes when he came back from a successful mission. Not just light, but exhilaration and life itself glowed even when Wedge returned battered, beaten or broken. He had a pure vigor of spirit and body that Luke could only admire and try to understand. It ran deep into Wedge's soul, and the light in his eyes was but a hint of that strength. Luke wanted to know that strength and the weakness that opposed and defined it.
But that feels nothing like want.
Carefully lifting his tray, Luke searched for the easiest path to the table where Wedge sat. He pushed though the crowd of people before him and watched as Wedge conversed with Tycho. Animated gestures colored his statements, an enthusiastic hand threatening to overturn a mug every few seconds. But his movements were easy, confident and showed no sign of nervousness.
He always moves like that, smooth, assured.
And this he definitely wanted -- Wedge's hands moving over his, the thumbs rubbing small circles on his wrists. A calm, soothing action as they sat across from each other discussing something that upset either one of them.
Hands that brushed Luke's hair lightly from his forehead, or traced the pale outline of scars, with a gentle but not delicate touch. Hands that had the power to hurt or kill if they had to. Hands that Luke could feel gripping his in a farewell gesture long days, weeks or months after he had said farewell to Wedge. He never wanted to feel those hands grow cold and weak.
No, this is nothing like wanting him. Not at all.
Luke slid his tray onto the table and took a seat next to Wedge. His lover turned to him, a smile lighting up his eyes once more. Unable to stop another smile from forming on his own face, Luke felt the bubble of emotion rise up in his chest again. He looked down after a while and made a move to pick up his cup of stim-tea.
A warm touch settled on his wrist as Wedge's hand settled atop his arm. Lifting his head, Luke's gaze flickered from Wedge's hand to his eyes. An image flashed through Luke's mind and it felt like both insight and memory, as if the past and future had come together to form the present. In that moment, Luke could not imagine being able to live the rest of his life without looking into his lover's eyes or holding his hands.
And that is so much more than wanting him.
Without closing his eyes, Luke leaned forward and kissed Wedge. One quick, light kiss on the lips and a gentle pressure on his wrist as Wedge tightened his hold there. Another perfect moment passed that morning and Luke finally got around to drinking his super sweet, cooled-off stim-tea.
Dipping his tongue into the warm beverage, Luke settled down at the table and knew exactly why he didn't simply want Wedge.
Because I already need him too much.
Shameless self-promo #1:
There is a third installment in this series, but as it's Qui/Obi, I can only point you in the right direction and hope you read it. :)
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