Every time Wesley apologizes to Angel he imagines himself standing in front of his father, in front of Travers, the Council, Mr.Giles… He sees himself as brave and certain, sincere and self-assured, forgiven and accepted.
Every time Angel forgives him, Wesley begs for more. He remembers himself bent over a chair, a desk, a wooden table; the sting of leather against already broken skin; the burn of being taken roughly, suddenly, without pleasure. The pain and humiliation is a twisted act of contrition, required for forgiveness.
Every time they make love, Wesley closes his eyes and wishes it hurt more.
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