The Dead X-Wing Sketch
by Elizabeth


Wedge Antilles enters the hangar on Yavin IV.

Wedge: Uh, 'scuse me, I wish to register a complaint.

The mechanic, standing next to Wedge's dead X-wing, does not respond.

Wedge: Hello, Miss?

Mechanic: What do you mean "miss"?

Wedge: [pause] I'm sorry, I just took part in a very traumatic battle; I'm a little distraught. I wish to make a complaint!

Mechanic: We're closin' for lunch.

Wedge: This’s a hangar, you don’t close! (shakes his head) Never mind that. I wish to complain about this X-wing what I flew not half an hour ago out from this very hangar.

Mechanic: Oh yes, the, uh, the Incom T-65...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?

Wedge: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Mechanic: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting.

Wedge: Look, matey, I know a dead X-wing when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Mechanic: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable ship, the Incom T-65, idn'it, ay? Beautiful paint job!

Wedge: The paint job don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Mechanic: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Wedge: [a bit exasperated] All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the ship) Hello, X-wing! I've got a lovely fresh tune-up for you if you show...(Wedge hits it)

Mechanic: There, he moved!

Wedge: No, he didn't, that was you flipping the wiring around!

Mechanic: I never!!

Wedge: Yes, you did!

Mechanic: I never, never did anything...

Wedge: (yelling and whacking the fuselage repeatedly) HELLO X-WING!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Kicks the X-wing. Has the droid try to power it up. There is a deathly groan, and an s-foil falls off.)

Wedge: Now that's what I call a dead X-wing.

Mechanic: No, no.....No, it had a burnout!

Wedge: A BURNOUT?!?

Mechanic: Yeah! It had a burnout, just as he was powerin' up! T-65's burnout easily, major.

Wedge: Er, thanks, but I'm just a Flight Officer. Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely had enough of this. That X-wing is definitely deceased, and when I flew it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of maneuverability was due to it being tired and low on fuel following a prolonged practice run.

Mechanic: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pinin’ for the Incom techs.

[pause]

Wedge: PINING for the INCOM TECHS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? It's an X-wing, for my sake! Look, why did he flip over onto the cockpit the moment I got it back to the hangar? I barely got out from under it!

Mechanic: The Incom T-65 prefers keepin' on its cockpit! Remarkable fighter, id'nit, squire? Lovely paint job!

Wedge: Look, I took the liberty of examining that X-wing before the battle, and I discovered the only reason that it had been running in the first place was that it had been juryrigged together like...like that piece-of-poodoo freighter, right over there!

Han Solo: You raggin’ on my ship? You wanna make something of it? I’d like to see you throw something like that (points to the Falcon) together! Let’s go outside, buddy!

(Wedge and the Mechanic stare blankly at Han, he walks away, looking stupid, realizing that no one cares)

Mechanic: Well, o'course it was juryrigged! If I hadn't made a few ‘special modifications’ to that ship, it would have powered up by itself, stuck your droid into its little socket, and VOOM! Fweeweeweewee!

Wedge: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this ship wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! He's bleedin' demised!

Mechanic: No no! 'E's pining!

Wedge: He's not pinin'! He's passed on! This X-wing is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet The Maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't made your ‘modifications’ he'd be sold for scrap already! His mechanical processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, made the Final Jump and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-X-WING!!

[pause]

Mechanic: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick look around the hangar)

Mechanic: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of X-wings.

Wedge: I see. I see, I get the holo.

Mechanic: [pause] I got a landspeeder.

[pause]

Wedge: Pray, is it hyperspace-capable?

Mechanic: Nnnnot really.

Wedge: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

[silence]

Mechanic: D'you wanna come back to my place?

Wedge: Thought you'd never ask.

Finis


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