The Gungan Soldier
by Elizabeth


Wedge and his pilots of Rogue Squadron, along with their servants, "fly" up to a castle. Wedge's servant, Luke, blows a horn.

Wedge: HELLO! (waits)

Sir Wes: HELLO! (waits)

An armor-clad yet floppy face appears at the top of the rampart. It speaks in an incredibly annoying dialect.

Gungan Soldier: 'Ello? Whosa dere?

Wedge: It is I, Wedge Antilles, and these are my pilots of Rogue Squadron. Whose castle is this?

Gungan: Disn de castle of mesa master, Boss Nass.

Wedge: Go and tell your master that we have been charged with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Bacta Tank.

Gungan: Okey-day, mesa ask 'im, but mesa not thinkin' he be very keen-- hesa already gottin' one, yousa seein'?

Wedge: What?

Sir Tycho: He says they've already got one!

Wedge: (confused) Are you sure he's got one?

Gungan: Oh yeah, it's weely, weely nice! (to the other soldiers) Mesa tellin' 'em wesa already gottin' one! (they snicker)

Wedge: (taken a bit off balance) Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a look?

Gungan: O' course not! Yousa bein' human types.

Wedge: Well, what are you then?

Gungan: (Indignant) Mesa Gungan! Why do yousa thinkin' I have dis'n outrageous accent?!

Sir Hobbie: What are you doing in the dark galaxy of Kay-Jay-Ay?

Gungan: Mind yousa ownen business!

Wedge: If you will not show us the Bacta Tank, we shall take your castle by force!

Gungan: Yousa don't frighten us'ns, Kowackian monkey-lizards! Go anna boil yousa bottomses, son of a silly person! Mesa blowin' me nose at yousa, so-callin' "Wedge Antilles"! Yousa and alla yousa silly human pilotses!!! (the soldier proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his tongue at the pilots, managing to reach all the way down to Wedge's feet with it, making strange noises.)

Hobbie: What a strange person.

Wedge: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma--

Gungan: Mesa don' wanna talkin' to yousa no more, yousa empty-headed animal food-trough wiperer! Mesa fartin' in your general directionen! Yousa mama was a bantha, and your papa smellin' of tuberses!

Hobbie: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?

Gungan: No!! Now go away, or mesa be tauntin' yousa agin!

(pause)

Wedge: Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable....

Gungan: (to four other Gungans, standing behind him on the rampart) Gettin' de nerfie.

Other Gungan: Eh?

Gungan: Gettin' de nerfie!

(the other soldiers are seen leading a nerf... mooing noises)

Wedge: (continued) ...if you do not agree to my commands, than I shall--

(Boing! The nerf goes flying through the air over the rampart...)

Wedge: Jesus Christ!

(...and lands, amid great mooing, on one of the footmen. Various cryings-out from Wedge's party.)

Wedge: (determined) Right! (drawing blaster) CHARGE!

Rest of Wedge's Party: CHAAAARGE!

(As they run towards the Gungan Castle, blasters drawn, they are met by a huge onslaught of live animals of all sizes, that come plummeting down from the ramparts of the castle. Amid screams, they all turn back before even reaching the castle walls, save Sir Tycho, who reaches the stone wall in time to give it one shot with his blaster before retreating.)

Gungan: (throwing down a tauntaun) Hey boyos, disn one's for yousa mama! (and a dewback) And disn's for yousa granny!

Wedge's party: (hastily retreating) Run away! RUN AWAAAAY!

the end (thank TAWG)


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