The Tale of Sir Hobbie
by Elizabeth

Hobbie, making his way through deep forest in the middle of a terrible thunderstorm, comes upon a dark, tall castle. At the top of the tower glows a pinkly stunning image of a bacta tank. A dewback howls. He struggles to the door of the castle, upon which, while standing in the pouring rain, he bangs on the door.

Hobbie: *banging* Open the door!
*banging again* Open the door! In the name of the Force, open the door!

The door creaks open, and Hobbie falls onto the stone floor of the castle. Looking up, he sees the faces of three young women dressed all in white.

Women: Hello! Hello! Hello!

Oola: Welcome, gentle Sir Pilot, to the Castle Jabbaspalace!

Hobbie: (confused) The Castle Jabbaspalace??

Oola: Yes... (disappointed) It's not a very good name, is it? (brightening) Oh, but we are nice! And we will attend to your every, every need!

Hobbie: You are the keepers of the bacta tank ?

Oola: The what?

Hobbie: The bacta tank... it is here...

Oola: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while! Midget! Crapper!

Other Women: Yes, Oola!

Oola: Prepare a bed for our guest.

Others: Yes, Oola. Thank you, Oola! Thank you, Oola! Thank you!

Oola: Away, away, varletesses! (to Hobbie) The beds here are warm and soft... And very, very big.

Hobbie: (protesting) Well, look, I...I, uh--

Oola: What is your name, handsome pilot?

Hobbie: Hobbie Klivian.... the Dour.

Oola: Mine is Oola... just Oola. Oh, but come! (starts to lead him upstairs)

Hobbie: No, please! In the name of the Force, show me the bacta tank!!

Oola: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!

Hobbie: (urgently) Yeah, and that's why I need it. Look, I have seen it! It is here, it--

Oola: Hobbie! You would not be so un-gallant as to refuse our hospitality!

Hobbie: (pause) Well, I--I, uh.... (looks at feet, fingers blaster)

Oola: (leading him upstairs) Oh... I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young Bothan, Twi'lek, and human blondes and brunettes... all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half...cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh... it is a lonely life. Bathing...dressing...undressing...knitting exciting underwear....dancing provocatively.... We are just not used to handsome pilots! (she leads him to a bed and sits him down; he tries to get up.) Nay, nay, come, come! You may lie here. (pushes him down on the bed, sees blood on his flightsuit) Oh!! But you are wounded!

Hobbie: No, no.. i-it's nothing!

Oola: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately!

Hobbie: Actually, I'd really rather see that bacta tank....(he starts to get up and leave)

Oola: (pushing him back down) No, no, please! Lie down. (She claps her hands twice; two sexy Bothans arrive.)

Sexy Bothan 1: Well... what seems to be the trouble?

Hobbie: (incredulous) They're DOCTORS?

Oola: Uh... they have a basic medical training, yes....(Hobbie once again tries to get up and leave. Oola, quite adept at it by this time, pushes him back down on the bed.) Oh, come, come... you must try to rest. Doctor Lynmar, Doctor Ephant; practice your art. (leaves) The two Bothans sit on the bed and relieve Hobbie of his blaster, which he's been holding in front of him during the whole scene.

Ephant: Try to relax...

Hobbie: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

Lynmar: We must examine you.... (removes the life support apparatus)

Hobbie: There's nothing wrong with *that*!

Ephant: Please.... we are doctors. (They begin to proceed with the examination when a metallic "bong" is heard from Hobbie's nether region. He grabs his blaster and jumps out of bed.)

Ephant: Back to your bed at once!

Hobbie: Torment me no longer! I have seen a bacta tank!

Lynmar: There's no bacta tank here...we can't afford one.

Hobbie: I have seen it, I have seen it! (he runs through the curtain into another room.) I have-- (suddenly he looks around, and realizes that this room is filled with young women, all in their nightclothes. Some are brushing their hair, some are eating various sorts of suggestive fruits, some are toying with their [or someone else's] lekku... As he passes through them, each one whispers "Hello!". He runs out of the chamber, into a staircase, where he almost runs into...) Oola!!

Oola: No, I am Oola's identical twin sister, Leeling.

Hobbie: Oh. Well, excuse me, I-- (starting to go by her down the stairs)

Leeling: (standing in his way) Where are you going?

Hobbie: I seek a bacta tank! I have seen it, here, in this castle!

Leeling: (sudden realization) No... oh, no!! Bad, bad Oola!

Hobbie: What is it?

Leeling: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Oola! She has been setting alight our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is bacta tank-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem...

Hobbie: (incredibly disappointed) It's not a real bacta tank?!

Leeling: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Oola! (leading him back into the room with all the women in it) She is a naughty person... and she must pay the penalty! And here in Castle Jabbaspalace, we have but one punishment for setting alight the bacta tank-shaped beacon: You must tie her down on a bed, and spank her.

Others: A spanking, a spanking!!!

Leeling: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then...... spank me!

Others: And spank me! And me! And me! And me!

Leeling: Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!!

Others: A spanking, a spanking, there's going to be a spanking tonight!!!!!

Leeling: ...and after the spanking.... the Oral Sex!!

Others: (amid squeals of delight) The oral sex, the oral sex!!!

Hobbie: Well, I could stay a bit longer...

Tycho: Hobbie!

Hobbie: Oh, hello.

Tycho: Quick!

Hobbie: What?

Tycho: Quick!

Hobbie: Why?

Tycho: You are in great peril!

Leeling: No he isn't.

Tycho: Silence, foul temptress!

Hobbie: You know, she's got a point.

Tycho: Come on! We will cover your escape!

Hobbie: Look, I'm fine!

Tycho: Come on!

Girls: Hobbie!

Hobbie: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

Leeling: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

Girls: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

Tycho: No, Hobbie. Come on!

Hobbie: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.

Leeling: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.

Girls: Yes. Let him handle us easily.

Tycho: No. Quick! Quick!

Hobbie: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!

Leeling: Yes, yes! He will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.

Girls: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...[boom]

Leeling: Oh, shit.

Tycho: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

Hobbie: I don't think I was.

Tycho: Yes you were. You were in terrible peril.

Hobbie: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

Tycho: No, it's too perilous.

Hobbie: Look, it's my duty as a Rogue to sample as much peril as I can.

Tycho: No, we've got to find a bacta tank. Come on!

Hobbie: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

Tycho: No. It's unhealthy.

Hobbie: I bet you're gay.

Tycho: No I'm not.

Hobbie: I bet you are. How long have you been with Winter? And no progress there.

Tycho: Oh, like your track record is a thing to be proud of.

Hobbie: Well, if you'd just let me face the peril--

Tycho: Oh, shut up.

Hobbie: It'd definitely be something to tell Wes, wouldn't it? Hey, we could face the peril together, how does that sound? (Tycho thinks about it, doesn't look convinced) Come on, buddy. Huh? (elbows him in the side, waggles eyebrows)

Tycho: (smiles) OK, let's go.

Narrator: And there was much rejoicing.

Eight Score Bothan, Twi'lek, and Human Blonds and Brunettes: Yay.


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