The Holy Proton Torpedo of Andumar
by Elizabeth

Pilots: Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh.

Wedge: Pilots! Forward! [they run with arms outstretched making engine noises] [boom boom boom boom boom] [squeak] [boom boom boom boom] What manner of man are you that can summon up fire with a mere flick of the wrist? What, you think you're some kind of Jedi, or something?

Jinn The "Enchanter": I... am an enchanter. Yeah, right, an enchanter.

Wedge: By what name are you known?

Jinn: There are some who call me... Jinn?

Wedge: Greetings, Jinn the Enchanter.

Jinn: Greetings, Wedge Antilles!

Wedge: You know my name?

Jinn: I do. [zoosh] You seek the bacta tank!

Wedge: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Jinn.

Jinn: Quite. I am a Je-- I mean, an enchanter.

[pweeng boom] [clap clap clap]

Corran: Oh.

Wedge: Yes, we're-- we're looking for a bacta tank. Our quest is to find a bacta tank.

Pilots: Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm.

Wedge: And so we're-- we're-- we're-- we're looking for it.

Wes: Yes, we are.

Hobbie: Yeah.

Corran: We are. We are.

Wes: We have been for some time.

Corran: Ages.

Wes: Umhm.

Wedge: Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh-- to help, would be... very... helpful.

Hobbie: Look, can you tell us where--


Wedge: Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um-- find a, uh-- a, um-- a, uh--

Jinn: A what...?

Wedge: A b-- a-- a ba-- a b-- a-- a b--

Jinn: A bacta tank?!

Wedge: Yes, I think so.

Corran: Y-- y-- yes.

Wedge: Yes.

Hobbie: Yup.

Pilots: That's it...

Jinn: Yes!

Corran: Oh.

Wedge: Oh. Thank you.

Corran: Ahh.

Hobbie: Oh. Fine. Great, 'cos ever since that castle with all the chicks, I've been having this weird pain--

Tycho: Shhhh! [elbows Hobbie]

Hobbie: Oh.

Wedge: Thank you.

Corran: Splendid.

Pilots: Aah...

[boom pweeng boom boom]

Wedge: Look, um, you're a busy man, uh--

Jinn: Yes, I can help you find a bacta tank.

Pilots: Oh, thank you. Oh...

Jinn: To the north there lies a cave-- the Cave of Wonders, also appearing in Disney's 'Aladdin'-- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Barlon of Hightower... [boom] ...make plain the last resting place of the most holy bacta tank.

Wedge: Where could we find this cave, O Jinn?

Jinn: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men--

Lujayne: Ahem.

Jinn: Right. Pilots of valor, diamonds in the rough, as they say, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man--

Lujayne: A-HEM!!

Jinn: Sorry. No pilot yet has fought with it and lived! Wrecks of full fifty X-wings lie strewn about its lair. So, brave pilots, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. But fear not, for fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering, and we all know what that means.

Wes: I thought you were an enchanter, not a Jedi.

Jinn: Right, uh, right...... [boom]

Wedge: What an eccentric performance. Corran, maybe you'd better stay here. You've only got one more clean flightsuit, and nobody wants to do your laundry again.

Corran: [random whining]

[engine noises]
[alarmed R2 unit noises]

Hobbie: They're nervous, sir. Mine says there is a creature approaching from the southeast.

Wedge: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot.

Jinn: Behold the Cave of Wonders!

Wedge: Right! Keep me covered.

Hobbie: What with?

Wedge: W-- just keep me covered.

Jinn: Too late!

[dramatic chord]

Wedge: What?

Jinn: There he is!

Wedge: Where?

Jinn: There!

Wedge: What, behind the Ewok?

Jinn: It is the Ewok!

Wedge: You silly sod!

Jinn: What?

Wedge: You got us all worked up!

Jinn: Well, that's no ordinary Ewok.

Wedge: Ohh.

Wes: That kinda looks like Kettch....

Wedge: Wes....

Jinn: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered Sithly teddy bear you ever set eyes on.

Corran: You tit! I soiled my flightsuit I was so scared!

Wedge: [resigned] Dammit, Corran.........

Jinn: Look, that Ewok's got a vicious streak a klick wide; it's a killer!

Hobbie: Get stuffed!

Jinn: He'll do you up a treat, mate!

Hobbie: Oh yeah?

Corran: You mangy Irish git!

Jinn: I'm warning you!

Corran: What's he do, nibble your bum?

Jinn: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the wrecks!

Wedge: Go on, Bror. Chop his head off!

Bror: Right! Silly little bleeder. Ewok juice comin' right up!

Jinn: Look!


Bror: Aaaugh!

[dramatic chord]

Wedge: Jesus Christ!

Jinn: I warned you!

Corran: I done it again!

Wedge: Dammit, Corran!

Jinn: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? [mocking] 'That kinda looks like Kettch...' Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--

Wedge: Oh, shut up!

Jinn: Do they listen to me?

Wedge: Right!

Jinn: Oh, no...

Pilots: Chaaaarge!!!

[yub yub yub yub yub]

Pilots: Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.

Wedge: Run away! Run away!

Pilots: Run away! Run away!...

Jinn: Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!

Wedge: Right. How many did we lose?

Tycho: Lujayne.

Hobbie: Asyr.

Wedge: And Bror. That's five.

Hobbie: Three, sir.

Wedge: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That Ewok has the personality of a thermal detonator.

Corran: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

Wedge: Oh, shut up and go and change your flightsuit.

Hobbie: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.

Wedge: Like what?

Hobbie: Well... ooh.

Tycho: Have we got quad lasers?

Wedge: No, we left the X-wings back there.

Tycho: We have the Holy Proton Torpedo.

Wedge: Yes, of course! The Holy Proton Torpedo of Adumar! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Ven carries with him! Brother Ven! Bring up the Holy Proton Torpedo!

B'Omarr Monks: [chanting] Enjaya kul a intekun kuthuow, Boopa gopakne et an anpaw. Enjaya kul a intekun kuthuow, Boopa gopakne et an anpaw. Enjaya kul a intekun kuthuow, Boopa gopakne et an anpaw. Enjaya kul a intekun kuthuow, Boopa gopakne et an anpaw.

Wedge: How does it, um-- how does it work?

Tycho: I know not, sir.

Wedge: Consult the Flight Manual of Armaments!

Brother Ven: Armaments, Section Two, paragraphs Nine to Twenty-one.

Second Brother: And John D raised the proton torpedo up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy proton torpedo that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the AFWers did feast upon the Nerf and Banthas and Womp Rats and Ewoks and pre-packaged synthetic protein supplements and Jar-Jar Binks--

Brother Ven: Skip a bit, Brother.

Second Brother: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou align the Holy Sights. Then, shalt thou confer with thy R2 unit to ensure the Sights are, verily, aligned. Then shalt thou arm thy Proton Torpedo. Do not wait thou too long after thou hast armed thy Torpedo to expel it from thyself. If thou dost, thou wilt be sorry. Once thy Torpedo be armed, then lobbest thou thy Holy Proton Torpedo of Adumar towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'

Brother Ven: Amen.

Pilots: Amen.

Wedge: Right! [aligns Holy Sights, confers with Gate who has magically appeared, arms Torpedo, stands around for a bit]

Hobbie: Sir?

Wedge: Oh, right.

[angels sing]


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