Burn the Omwat!
by Elizabeth


Scene: Anchorhead Square (I'm assuming that Anchorhead has a square, obviously.)

B'Omarr Monks: [chanting] Enjaya kul a intekun kuthuow, Boopa gopakne et an anpaw. [bonk] Enjaya kul a intekun kuthuow,... [bonk] ... Boopa gopakne et an anpaw. [bonk] Enjaya kul a intekun kuthuow,... [bonk] ... Boopa gopakne et an anpaw.

Crowd: An Omwat! An Omwat! [bonk] An Omwat! An Omwat!

B'Omarr Monks: [chanting] Enjaya kul a intekun kuthuow...

Crowd: An Omwat! An Omwat! An Omwat! An Omwat! We've found an Omwat! An Omwat! An Omwat! An Omwat! An Omwat! We've got an Omwat! An Omwat! An Omwat! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found an Omwat! We've found an Omwat! An Omwat! An Omwat! An Omwat!

Villager #1: We have found an Omwat. May we burn her?

Crowd: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!

Wes: How do you know she is an Omwat?

Villager #2: She looks like one.

Crowd: Right! Yeah! Yeah!

Wes: Bring her forward.

Qwi Xux: I'm not an Omwat. I'm not an Omwat.

Wes: Uh, but you are dressed as one.

Qwi: They dressed me up like this.

Crowd: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...

Qwi: And these aren't my feathers, they're false.

Wes: Well?

Villager #1: Well, we did do the feathers.

Wes: The feathers?

Villager #1: And we did paint her blue, but she is an Omwat!

Villager #2: Yeah!

Crowd: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!

Wes: Did you dress her up like this?

Villager #1: No!

Villager #2 and 3: No. No.

Villager #2: No.

Villager #1: No.

Villagers #2 and #3: No.

Villager #1: Yes.

Villager #2: Yes.

Villager #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit.

Villager #3: A bit.

Villager #1 and #2: A bit.

Villager #3: A bit.

Villager #1: She did build the Death Star.

Random: [cough]

Wes: What makes you think she is an Omwat?

Villager That Looks An Awful Lot Like Wedge: Well, she turned me into an idiot.

Wes: An idiot?

Villager That Looks An Awful Lot Like Wedge: I got better.

Villager #2: Burn her anyway!

Villager #1: Burn!

Crowd: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...

Wes: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is an Omwat.

Villager #1: Are there?

Villager #2: Ah?

Villager #1: What are they?

Crowd: Tell us! Tell us!...

Wes: Tell me, what do you do with Omwati?

Villager #2: Burn!

Villager #1: Burn!

Crowd: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...

Wes: And what do you burn apart from Omwati?

Villager #1: More Omwati!

Villager #3: Shh!

Villager #2: Dead Jawas!

Wes: So, why do Omwati burn?

[pause]

Villager #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... dead Jawas?

Wes: Good! Heh heh.

Crowd: Oh yeah. Oh.

Wes: So, how do we tell whether she is made of dead Jawas?

Villager #1: Try to get her to sell us an R2 unit with a bad motivator.

Wes: Ah, but can crooked droid salesmen not also sell R2 units with bad motivators?

Villager #1: Oh, yeah.

Random: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...

Wes: Do dead Jawas sink in sand?

Villager #1: No. No.

Villager #2: No, they float! They float!

Villager #1: Throw her into the Dune Sea!

Crowd: The Dune Sea! Throw her into the Dune Sea!

Wes: What also floats in sand?

Villager #1: Pastries!

Villager #2: Speeders!

Villager #3: Uh, very small rocks!

Villager #4: Well, sure, if you use the Force. Duh.

Villager #1: B-wings!

Villager #2: Uh, Quarren!

Villager #1: Kloo horns!

Villager #2: Proton torpedoes!

Villager #3: Massassi temples! Massassi temples!

Villager #2: Blasters! Blasters!

Wedge: An Ewok!

Crowd: Oooh.

Wes: Exactly. So, logically...

Villager #1: If... she... weighs... the same as an Ewok,... she's made of dead Jawas.

Wes: And therefore?

[excruciating pause]

Villager #2: An Omwat!

Villager #1: An Omwat!

Crowd: An Omwat! An Omwat!...

Villager #4: Here is an Ewok. Use this Ewok.

[yub yub yub yub]

Wes: We shall use my largest scales. [pulls scales out of one of the numerous pockets in his flightsuit]

Crowd: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the Omwat! Burn the Omwat! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...

Wes: Right. Remove the supports!

[whop]
[clunk]
[creak]
[pause]

Crowd: An Omwat! An Omwat! An Omwat!

Qwi: It's a fair cop.

Villager #3: Burn her!

Crowd: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!... [they drag Qwi away]

Wes: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

Wedge: I am Wedge Antilles, Commander of Rogue Squadron.

Wes: [militarily] Sir!

Wedge: Good sir pilot, will you come with me to Coruscant, and join us at Rogue Squadron Headquarters?

Wes: Sir! I would be honored.

Wedge: What is your name?

Wes: Wes Janson, sir.

Wedge: Then I dub you Sir Wes, Pilot of Rogue Squadron.

Finis


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