The Knights Who Say Uttini
by Elizabeth


(notes: Huttese transcripted phonetically or whatever, the term "Nee-womm" is from Holy Grail [I kept it 'cos I thought it was hilarious].)

(Wedge and Wes are confronted by a multitude of extremely diminutive, brown robed, yellow eyed knights in the woods.)

Knights of Utinni: Utinni! Utinni! Utinni! Utinni!

Wedge: Who are you?

Knight of Utinni: We are the Knights who say....."Utinni"!

Wedge: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Utinni"!

Knight of Utinni: The same.

Other Knight of Utinni: Who are we?

Knight of Utinni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Utinni, Poodoo, and Nee-womm!

Other Knight of Utinni: Nee-womm!

Wedge: (to Wes) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!

Knight of Utinni: The knights who say "Utinni" demand..... a sacrifice!

Wedge: Knights of Utinni, we are but simple Rebels who seek the rest of our squadron beyond these woods.

Knights of Utinni: Utinni! Utinni! Utinni! Utinni! Utinni!

Wes: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!

Knight of Utinni: We shall say "Utinni" to you... if you do not appease us.

Wedge: Well what is it you want?

Knight of Utinni: We want..... (pregnant pause) A FARMBOY!!!! (dramatic minor chord)

Wedge: A what?

Knights of Utinni: Utinni! Utinni!! Utinni! Utinni!

Wedge; No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a farmboy.

Knight of Utinni: You must return here with a farmboy... or else you will never pass through this wood...alive.

Wedge: O Knights of Utinni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a farmboy.

Knight of Utinni: One that looks nice.

Wedge: Of course!

Knight of Utinni: And not too whiny.

Wedge: Yes!

Knight of Utinni: Noowwwww.... GO!

(music)

Wedge: (comes in with Wes dragging Luke) O Knights of Utinni. We have brought you your farmboy. May we go now?

Knight of Utinni: Yes, it is a good farmboy. I like the lightsaber particularly. Farmboys don't usually come with those. But there is one small problem....

Wedge: What is that?

Knight of Utinni: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say "Utinni"!

Other Knights of Utinni: Utinni! Shh! Shh!

Knight of Utinni: We are now the Knights who say "Solo thotumache chaya chisa picha guwanke Chewbacca."

Other Knight of Utinni: Utinni!

Knight of Utinni: Therefore, we must give you a test.

Wedge: What is this test, o Knights of..... Knights who 'til recently said "Utinni"?

Knight of Utinni: Firstly, you must find.... ANOTHER FARMBOY!!! (another minor chord)

Wedge: Oh, not another farmboy!!

Knight of Utinni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the farmboy, you must place it here, beside this farmboy, only slightly higher, so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.

Other Knights of Utinni: A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Utinni! Utinni!

Knight of Utinni: Then, when you have found the farmboy, you must cut down the mightiest Star Destroyer in the galaxy... Wiiiiiithh.... A WOMP RAT! (dramatic chord)

Wedge: We shall do no such thing!

Knight of Utinni: Oh, please!

Wedge: Cut down a Star Destroyer with a womp rat? It can't be done. Look buddy, I have to get back to my squadron. I can't believe I wasted my time hauling Farmboy here all the way from Yavin IV, and now you want me to get another one? I am not going to Tatooine or Aldivy or--whatever. It's not going to happen. Sorry. Look, will he do? (points to Wes)

Wes: (gapes)

Wedge: Sorry, pal, but you know the drill, good of the many above the good of the few, or the one, right? Right. Well, best of luck. See ya 'round. (shrugs, and tromps off into the forest)

Luke: (perky and cheery) Hi, Wes! It's been a while, hasn't it? We'll have so much to talk about, and......

Wes: (groans, then under his breath) Wedge, you dirty bastard.

Finis


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