When one is sixteen, the most important thing in life is sex. Particularly so when you are of the male persuasion. For people like my friend Wes Janson, it still is. It was no different for me in the awkward moments of adolescence - those few precious seconds in between childhood and adulthood. That point in life where everything is at a standstill and every option in the world is open to you.
Of course, you hate it at the time.
Especially if you have three older brothers and two sisters, all harassing you about your cracking voice, smelly armpits, pock-marked face, and your crush on the unreachable. And people wonder why Iím always mournful.
Her name was Saryn. Saryn Misari. And to me, she was the epitome of perfection.
I used to sit and stare at her when I knew she wasnít looking my way. Her long, slender legs, her long light brown hair and brilliant gray eyes. Her face was smooth, with no hint of the plague that hits so many of us. Freckles dusted across her long nose, which had only the slightest hint of a bump. She had this charming habit of wrinkling it up whenever she was thinking, or when she looked outside, or was smiling. Her cheekbones were high and well-defined and her chin was strong without being prominent.
Unfortunately, she was a year ahead of me in school and that meant, in our adolescent misogynist minds, that she was beyond my level. Out of my league. The exclusive property of the higher classes.
I was not the only sixteen-year-old who felt this way about Saryn. Every male of my acquaintance felt the same. We all used to sit around in our second-hand speeders, inherited from brothers who gave them up for newer models, moaning about our bad luck and how it was a crime of catastrophic proportions that Saryn was the exclusive property of Hoss Grasen, the best pilot in our small town, and a guaranteed student at the Academy Flight School.
"Man," someone would say, "sheís so sexy."
Someone else would join in. "Do you see the way she moves?"
"I bet sheíd be a wildcat in bed," someone else chimes in.
And on it would go; well into the night, until we were all called back in by our mothers. There would be much moaning about this, but weíd all be back the next day to bitch afresh about Hoss Grasen and his beautiful girlfriend.
Until one day when everything did a turn so sharp, Iím surprised the G-forces didnít kill us all.
It was a cool spring day and the usually blue sky of Ralltiir threatened rain. I was sitting in the old speeder my parents had given me for my sixteenth birthday, fiddling with an ion converter.
"Hello," a pretty mezzo said behind me.
I froze and looked over my shoulder, too shocked to believe it was true.
Saryn Misari was standing there, her head cocked, smiling. Her nose was scrunched up in that adorable way that drove me wild. "Youíre Hobbie, right? Hobbie Klivian? Yes, you look a bit like your brothers. A bit sadder though. Need cheered up?" Her voice was pleasant and playful, making my mind enter realms that she almost certainly did not intend for it to go.
Dumb mute that I was, I didnít say anything. Just stared at her dumbly.
"Saryn." She held out her hand. I took it numbly, still unable to say anything. I just stared at her pretty, slender fingers clasped in my rougher ones. Her handshake was strong and determined.
She let out a low laugh like the peal of bells. "Donít say much, do you?"
I shook my head, trying to get my mouth to function again. If my brothers ever found out that I had talked to Saryn Misari and ended up blowing it, theyíd torment me forever.
She let go of my hand. I was disappointed. "If you want that thing to work, youíre going to need a whole new set of wiring. Itís probably cheaper to just get a new one."
I looked down at the ion converter in my hands and realized that she was probably right. "How did you know that?" I asked without thinking, surprised that she knew something about mechanics.
She frowned and put her hands on her waist. "Just because Iím a girl, I canít do mechanics?" she asked, the musical tone of her voice conflicted with the severity of her posture, assuring me that she wasnít really angry. Ralltiir was not particularly fond of the Empire, but it had much of its same values. Especially in my town. There were three career choices: one could move to the city and become a banker like my older brother Asylen, a farmer, or a pilot. None of these were open to women. Saryn was probably on the receiving end of comments like that all the time.
I blushed anyway. She laughed again. "Donít sweat it. I know that you didnít mean it that way." She climbed into the passenger seat of the speeder without opening the door. I could feel myself getting a little turned on by the smooth way she moved. She plopped down on the seat, propping her long legs on the dashboard. "Hoss thinks that mechanics is a manís work. I told him he could kiss my ass."
I laughed despite myself, trying to imagine how Hoss, Mr. Flyboy Hero himself, would have taken that comment. Apparently Saryn wasnít anyoneís property.
"So," she said casually, "do you fly?"
I nodded. I didnít tell her that I lived for flying - that one day I was going to beat her smarmy ass of a boyfriend in the annual flying contest our town held. No, I was still to struck dumb by the fact that Saryn Misari had initiated a conversation with me.
"Are you going to run off and join the academy too?"
I shrugged and turned towards her, broken ion converter temporarily forgotten. "I donít know."
She folded her legs up on the seat and leaned back against the door. The wind blew brown tendrils around her face. "Hoss says heís going to. I told him that heís going to get vaped and no one will give a damn."
"Did you and Hoss have a fight?" The question popped out of my mouth before I realized it and I immediately started to make amends. What kind of idiot asks Saryn Misari a question like that?
Saryn just laughed and waved my protestations away. "Canít you tell?" She grinned at me, displaying her pretty teeth and wrinkling up her nose. "No, it doesnít matter though, because I refuse to continue to go out with him. I donít give a sith what my parents say."
I nodded, unsure how to respond. I had always thought she was the ice queen, but she was actually turning out to be quite open. She had initiated the conversation, and she was carrying it pretty much single-handedly.
She sat up. "Well, why would you want to go to the Academy?"
I leaned back in the old padded seat. "Glory, I guess. Iíve always wanted to serve and make a difference. You know, like Face Loran in those holos."
"Well," she smiled, "thatís an admirable pursuit."
"What are you going to do after you graduate?" I asked, thinking it was unfair that she should do all the work while I sat there and gaped at her.
"Get the hell away from here," she answered matter-of-factly.
She crossed her arms over her chest, inadvertently drawing my attention to her breasts, which were perfectly formed underneath her dark green tunic. "Think about it really hard."
I shook my head. "I honestly donít know."
"Well," she said, brushing a curling tendril of light brown hair away from her brilliant eyes, "look at me."
I was having trouble not looking, but I simply nodded.
"Everyone here sees me for my pretty eyes, or my hair. Itís like how you questioned that I could know anything about mechanics because all I am is a pretty face who dates Hoss Grasen. I want to go somewhere where pretty girls are a credit a dozen. I want to go somewhere where it doesnít matter that Iím a girl."
"So are you going to join the academy?"
Saryn snorted. It was a particularly ugly sound, but it worked well coming from her. Everything did. "Sith no. Not unless every pilot there really does look like Face Loran."
I laughed. She joined in, leaning over and taking my hand. I sobered up quickly. She looked at me, her dark gray eyes boring into my blue ones. I felt my breath growing shallow. She smiled at me sweetly. "Youíre fun to talk to," she said. "Such a pity we didnít meet sooner."
I nodded, not trusting my voice to speak. She licked her lips and I felt my unpredictable libido go into overdrive. Gods did I want to kiss her. And more. I could feel each of her fingers branding my hand. She was absolutely beautiful.
She let go of my hand and looked up behind her. "Sithspawn!"
I panicked. "What is it?"
"Hoss. Hurry up. Heís running over here."
"Wh -?" I started to ask.
"Just go!" she said urgently. The cling of a blaster bolt smacked into the bumper.
"Saryn, you lying bitch! Come back here!"
Saryn ducked into the seat. "Sod off you bloody great oaf," she yelled. "Youíre drunk!"
Another blaster bolt hit the bumper. I didnít need to be told to go a third time. I turned the power knob and hit the gas.
Saryn looked over her shoulder, pretty brown hair whipping around her face with the speed. "Well that prolonged that conflict," she mumbled as she watched her boyfriend fading into the distance. "Guess itís damn good for you and me that he wonít remember a moment of this when the liquorís worn off."
"What the hell was that about?" I asked as I dodged a stray nerf in our path. Needless to say, I was a little confused and slightly worried. Saryn Misari was in my speeder, her tempermental boyfriend firing blaster bolts at us. Me. Little mournful Hobbie Klivian. I wasnít sure if the goods outweighed the fact that I was having things shot at me.
"Heís mad," she said simply and sat back in the seat.
"Everything. I told him what Iím going to do after I graduate and he went into a flying rage."
"You mean about running away?" I was puzzled. Few people actually wanted to stay on Ralltiir unless they liked finance. Saryn didnít seem like the financial type.
She looked over and smiled. "I went into a bit more detail than that with him. It just sort of slipped out."
I thought about what Saryn could possibly be planning on doing that would need to be kept a secret and would cause her boyfriend to flip-out at her. When Saryn mumbled something about "damned imperials keeping everyone down", it hit me like an ion bolt. "Youíre joining the bloody rebellion!"
Saryn looked at me. "You make it sound like such a bad thing."
I hit the brake, stopping the speeder in the middle of a field. "Itís treason."
"So, you can get sent to Kessel and worse for that."
She turned and glared at me. "At least Iíll be dying for a good cause."
"You donít think the Empire is a good cause?"
"Youíve been watching too much propaganda. The Evil Old Republic. The Good Empire. Itís all so black and white. Good and bad. Itís bull."
I looked at her. "How can you be so sure it wouldnít be the same with the Rebellion?"
"At least Iíd have a choice about what to believe. I canít have that choice here without being branded an outlaw."
"But itís still wrong."
"Soís the Empire!" she yelled, folding her arms defiantly over her chest, gray eyes blazing.
I was getting heated enough that I didnít notice the fact that her gesture had emphasized her breasts and that the heated flush that came to her cheeks made her look even sexier. "That doesnít make it right. Itís still treason. And the Empire protects us from outlaws."
She jumped out of my speeder. "Thatís a stupid argument, and you know it," she said coldly. She turned around and stomped off. Well, that mood changed quickly. Besides, who was she kidding. I had just saved her from a nasty burn and a pissed off Hoss. Who knows what would have happened had I not been there to spirit her away from danger, like in those silly holo-novels my sisters were always reading.
I glared after her. "Where are you going?"
I shook my head and looked at the sky, which had grown black while we had been arguing. "Youíre in the middle of a field and itís about to rain."
She whirled at me. "A little rain never hurt anyone."
I looked back up at the sky. This was not going to be a little rain. "Look, Iíll drive you home."
"Saryn," I said, "youíre not being reasonable." A big fat drop of water landed on my nose and a flash of light lit the sky. It was followed by a huge clap of thunder.
Saryn looked up. "Will you apologize?"
I thought about it. "Fine. Will you please get in the speeder?"
She shrugged and three more fat drops landed on my face and shoulders. "All right," I said, "Iím sorry. Itís a noble cause, I just donít agree with it." I mean, come on, what was I supposed to do. Leave the prettiest girl in town out in the rain because we had a political spat?
She nodded and started back towards the speeder. The drops came down harder and two more flashes lit up the sky. "Nothing like a spring rain," she said crossly as she climbed back into the passengerís seat.
I climbed out of the car and pulled the hood up to shield us from the rain. It took me a minute because the hood was rusty and stiff and didnít come up easily. I finally got it to move, though and climbed back into the front seat beside Saryn.
She was looking mournfully out the window. Apparently her mood had done another about face. "Iím sorry, Hobbie," she said. "I donít know whatís wrong with me."
I was at a loss for words. My first impulse was to yell, "Saryn Misari apologized to me!" But I didnít. Instead, I put a hand on her shoulder. The raindrops pounded on the roof. She looked at me, her big gray eyes reflecting another flash of lightening. "Itís okay," I said.
She smiled and took my hand off of her shoulder. "Hobbie?" she whispered.
I leaned closer.
She mimicked my gesture, so that our lips were almost touching. "Thank you for being so forgiving." She grinned at me.
I nodded, feeling her breath against my face. I could feel the tightening in my groin as we stayed in that position. She made the first move, I think. She leaned in and pressed her mouth tentatively to mine. Her lips were warm and soft and I felt the feeling in the pit of my stomach intensify. It took me a minute to register that this was Saryn Misari who was kissing me. The moment I had been dreaming about for years had finally come to pass. No more spank bank for me.
She leaned in closer, pushing me up against the window, prying my lips apart with her tongue. I was in heaven. This was not the same as the clumsy kisses I had shared with frightened girls in the dusty hallways of the local hanger. This was a real kiss. I wrapped my arms around Saryn and pulled her further into me, our tongues dueling in each otherís mouths, our bodies growing sweaty in the close confines of the front seat of my speeder.
I pulled back. It was growing dark outside. "Gods," I croaked, my lips raw, "you move fast."
Her haunting gray eyes looked into mine. Seemingly satisfied, she sat back and pulled her green tunic over her head. "At least I did this time," she said softly. My vision was filled with her breasts. They were the first pair of breasts I had ever seen that didnít belong to my sisters or my mother - the Ďfresher door didnít lock all that well - and they were beautiful. They were round and full, with dusky nipples that were standing on end. I had read enough dirty stories to know that this meant that Saryn wanted me too. It didnít occur to me that she might have been cold. Gods, this had to have been a dream. But I knew that it wasnít.
I looked up at her face. She smiled shyly. "Well?"
"Youíre beautiful," was all I could manage.
This seemed to satisfy her, and she maneuvered herself so that we were spread the length of the front seat and she was straddling me. I was confused. I wanted her so badly, but I had never done this before and I wasnít exactly sure if it really worked the same way it did in porn holos. "Was this how you did it with Hoss?" I asked her, cupping each of her breasts in my hands, the way the "instructional holos", as my brothers and I liked to refer to them, had shown.
She cocked her head and started pulling at my tunic. "He wasnít what youíd call long-lasting."
I leaned forward so she could pull it off of me. "And you expect me to be?" I asked as the rough material came over my head.
She tossed it into the back seat and ran her hands over the planes of my chest. "Yes," she said simply. I moaned, as her hands brushed over my nipples. I did the same thing to her and she ground her hips against my groin as a response. I grinned as she leaned down to cover my chest with quick nips. She made her way down my chest as I writhed underneath her touch. She licked my stomach while her hands worked at the fastenings on my trousers. She looked up as she slid both my pants and my underwear down my legs and over my feet. I hissed as her hands brushed against my shaft. I had never done this before, but I knew that I wouldnít make it much longer.
She tried to push herself up, but she bumped her head on the roof of my speeder. "Ouch!" she yelled, and rubbed at the offending spot. "Note to self: Never do this in a closed speeder again."
"Would you prefer the barn?" I asked her, laughing. "We donít exactly have a lot of options." She laughed and started trying to undo the fastenings on her own trousers. I reached towards her waist. "Here, let me help you," I said. She grinned at me and leaned to kiss me.
I started working on her own pants, my movements awkward because I had never done this very mundane activity on someone else before. But I managed. She shifted her weight and pulled her legs up so that they could slide easily down her legs. I kissed her again, and she moved into me, pushing her underwear, which was wet with her own want, against my shaft. I moaned, so did she. She ground her hips again and I cried out.
She pulled back and kissed me, sliding her pants all the way off and pulling her underwear down to be discarded with them. I looked up at her and ran my fingers up her bare legs. She let out a little moan and she shivered. Emboldened, I ran my hand over the hair between her legs, eliciting a strangled cry. I shifted my fingers so that they penetrated her folds and she ground herself into them as a response. She leaned down to kiss me and I touched her tentatively, stroking her as she breathed heavily into my mouth. I hissed as she bit at my bottom lip and stroked her harder. She pulled back from me, her eyes closed, unintelligible cries coming from her mouth. I stared back at her in wonder as she moved against my hands, my own desire somewhat forgotten as I saw her own pleasure mount. She gave a sudden shudder and collapsed upon my chest.
She lay there for a minute, panting against my shoulder. I kissed her hair. She took a long shuddering breath and moved her hand between us, letting it brush up against me, drawing me back into my own desire.
She brushed a bit of brown hair out of her eyes with her other hand and smiled lopsidedly. "First time?"
I nodded, my mouth to dry for words. She kissed me again. "Well, this is as far as I ever went with Hoss. The Unknown Regions for us both, I guess."
I looked up at her. The raindrops on the window cast shadows on her face and body. "Why me?"
She let out a shrug. "Seems like the right thing. It never was with him."
I leaned up and kissed her, pulling her down onto me. I felt her gasp and cry out as I penetrated her. She was so soft and warm, I inadvertently moved into her and encountered resistance. She cried out again, and I pulled back frightened that I was hurting her. She put all stop to that by leaning in and kissing me full on the mouth, grinding her hips into mine. There was a tear, and she whimpered into my mouth. Then, she ground herself against me again. I moved with her; in and out, in and out.
Afterwards, she lay collapsed on me, her head lying on my chest. We were both very sweaty and spent.
I stroked her hair back from her face. "So what now?"
She propped her chin on my chest and looked at me, running her slender fingers across my cheek. "Iím leaving this place at the end of the summer."
"Why?" I didnít want her to go and the word was out of my mouth before I realized it, even though I knew why.
"Because," she said softly and kissed my jaw.
I looked up at the roof. The rain had stopped, but it was dark outside. My parents would be wondering where I was. I looked back down at the pretty girl in my arms. "Will you be mine until then?"
She smiled. "Iím not anyoneís property."
"What if Iím yours?" I asked and kissed her nose.
"Then I might consider it."
Shortly after, we pulled on our clothes and I drove her home. My brothers teased me mercilessly about where Iíd been, and my parents grounded me for not keeping curfew.
But Saryn kept her word. She showed up the next day at my door, her hair pulled away from her face and a big grin splitting her pretty mouth. We went out together, hand in hand, my older brothers gaping after us. We spent much of our time together talking - at least as much time as we spent together in abandoned fields and the backseat of my speeder. The summer flew by in a whirlwind as I learned much about Saryn as a person - what made her so impulsive, why she wanted to do what she did, why the Rebellion was a cause worth fighting for. I learned so much from her and by the time she left, she had persuaded me to her side of the issue, and I vowed that Iíd lead a whole group of Imperial pilots over to the Rebellion when I got to the Academy.
I learned to love, as well. By the end of the summer, it was no longer solely about infatuation, but also about who she was and why I would miss her. She became my first love. By the same token, I became hers.
I drove her to the spaceport at the start of threshing season and she kissed me good-bye, telling me to hurry up and join her. And then she got onto a ship bound for Alderaan and never looked back.
When I got to Dantooine two years later, I couldnít locate her. Someone told me that she was on Alderaan, working on Bail Organaís personal staff. I wasnít surprised. She had grown up learning so much, never worrying about whether or not it was correct to do so. She was a woman. No one had cared what she did and she was bound and determined to make them pay for their inattentiveness. I wished her luck.
And then Alderaan was destroyed.
It took me awhile to recover, because at the moment the planet was blown apart by that one huge blast, I felt a huge gnawing emptiness. I knew that she hadnít gotten off in time. In a brief second, she ceased being a person and became simply a meaningless statistic. I would never again be able to run my fingers through her long hair, or lose myself in her bottomless gray eyes.
I have my own reason for joining Tycho as he makes his rounds to the Alderaanian graveyard. He doesnít know the whole story, but I know he understands. I have my own lost love to visit in Alderaanís pitiful remains. She was my first and that summer taught me what to fight for and how to love.
I used to fight for that. Now I fight for Saryn.
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