Star Wars is the property of George Lucas and LFL. No profits were made and no disrespect is intended with this fic.

Wes Janson's How to Talk to Women 101
Part One
by Commander Wedge



The three young men approached the non-descript door to the Cantina Erotica; all three were similar in age, height and build – typical Rebel fighter jocks, below average height, late teens/early twenties, slight of build except for the dark-haired man to the left of the blonde, he was broad of chest and shoulders - and the blonde man was sandwiched between the two dark-haired men – none of them even look old enough to be thinking of visiting a place like CE much less entering it. Once inside, the smaller of the two dark-haired men asked for a table for three that would be in the semi-shadows while the other dark-haired man whispered to the hostess to tell Shakira, the sultry and mysterious Selonian with the dark blue fur with white tips dancer, that Wes was here with his friends and as soon as she sees them served their drinks she was to come over and dance for `The Birthday Boy' like they had arranged.

The scantily dressed Bothan hostess, Cir'rius, turned to one of the waitress standing nearby, asking her to relay the message as she proceeded to escort Wedge Antilles, Wes Janson and Luke Skywalker to a quiet, private table where they could see the stage and most of the room but only a select number of people could see them. Wedge and Wes made sure that Luke sat to the outside of the table where he would be most visible and they placed their orders for three double Whyren's Specials – straight up. Their drinks arrived in short order followed closely by the slinky Selonian dancer Shakira who began to sensuously caress Luke with her tail as she slowly moved into her special lap dance – one that was meant for only him, one where she gyrated slowly, seductively on the lap of the young man from Tatooine while she ran her long moist tongue over his face and mouth and nibbled on his ear.  

Wes watched the performance with intent interest while surreptitiously glancing at his friend Wedge every now and then before putting on his best ‘idiot’s’ grin and directing it at the very uptight looking Luke: lifting his shot glass in a mock salute Wes quickly downed the Corellian whiskey letting the fiery liquid rest on his tongue for a moment before swallowing, feeling the warmth all the way down to his toes, "Happy Birthday, Wormie!" he shouted and giggled, sticking out his tongue at the blonde pilot just like a child.  

Wedge smiled shyly and squirmed in his seat - uncomfortable at being in such close proximity to so many people especially the females - as he watched the antics of his fellow pilots and the Selonian dancer expecting at any moment for Luke to jump up and run from the room and cantina screaming like a wounded mynock; however, that did not happen, instead Luke, whom Wedge didn't think could blush any harder if he tried, roughly tried to push the slinky Selonian off of him but to no avail. "It's not my birthday..." he protested shoot a look full of vibroblades at his two ‘friends’. "This is your special restaurant, Janson??!!"  

Wes took it all in stride and began to laugh so hard that he tumbled out of his chair: picking himself off the Cantina’s plushly carpeted floor, the young Taanabian pilot moved to Luke's side and slapped his friend on the shoulder, "Yep, Wormie," he said, using Luke's nickname, knowing how much he hated it, "This is my special restaurant! Are you enjoying yourself?" he asked, still laughing. Shakira paused mid gyration and looked at Wes, "Do you want me to stop seeing that Birthday Boy is not enjoying himself?" she purred - Wes firmly shook his head, "Nope, keep going - I want to see how long Wormie can keep it up before he runs out of here screaming bloody murder!"  

The look on Luke's face as the beautiful Selonian dancer danced for him and caressed him with her tongue was priceless; Wedge could barely contain his laughter until Wes fell out of his seat, then he finally laughed aloud - shaking his head in amusement, Wedge reached over to help Wes up off the floor, redder than Luke: now that they were actually at the cantina for Luke's ‘birthday’, Wedge was retreating into himself - he was finding Wormie's reaction funny but at the same time he was a bit unsure of some of this as he had less experience with girls than Wormie and no experience with this type of girl. He sat back, folded his arms across his chest and keep watch on the proceedings waiting patiently for Luke's next reaction.  

Across the room, a young blonde Imperial officer, Tycho Celchu, looked over from where he was sitting with his squadron mate Jaded Skywalker, and friend Mara Jade to observed a very uncomfortable looking man being treated to lap dance by a very attractive Selonian – Tycho understood the young man’s discomfort; he'd often felt it himself: luckily, he'd learned to hide it for the Empire had no place for feelings like his, but tonight was different.... and besides... he was cute.

Tycho winked at Jaded, stood up and walked over to the table, which was also populated by two of his friends - ignoring the two dark-haired men, Luke unceremoniously shoved the dancing girl off his lap and perched on the edge of the table, "Can I buy you a drink?" the Alderaanian growled in a low seductive voice. Luke gazed into the stranger’s crystal blue eyes and nodded, "Sure, I’d love that," came his rely.  

Wes stopped laughing - his eyes grew round as he stared in shock and surprise at Luke and the new guy – he couldn’t believe what he was seeing - Luke was...no way…it just wasn’t possible, was it - Luke, his and Wedge’s bunkmate, was gay. Wes sighed, it really did not matter to him what his friend’s sexual preference was and took a double shot of Whyren's - oh well, that just meant more lap dances for him! To his right he noticed that Wedge was blushing furiously trying to look like he had enjoying the show until the new guy showed up. Because Luke and his new ‘friend’ were totally enthralled with each other, Wes motioned Shakira over to himself - he whispered in her ear for her to tell her friends to come out and put on another, even better show because ‘Lieutenant Wedge’ was here and he wanted the best the club had to offer! Shakira gave Wes a feral grin, they had already had this pre-arranged when Wes called for reservations for Lukie - she stuck the tip of her tongue out of her mouth, traced it up Wes’ face, from his chin to forehead and than scampered off backstage.

She returned a few minutes later with two sententious, sultry, seductive girls in tow, one a Twi'lek named Chri'si, the other a human named Kandi. They were scantily dressed, armed wrapped around each other’s waists and throwing seductive glances at Wedge - Chri'si, green lekku twitching in anticipation, walked up to Wedge and ran her fingers through his hair soft fine hair; she was wearing a blue bikini-style top and thong and her muscular legs showed off her many tribal tattoos, "Oohhh...such a handsome pilot!" she cooed in his ear, licking it.

Kandi, wearing a similar outfit to Chri'si's but in red, wanted a piece of the action- she stroked his chest brushing his nipples gently until they began to respond to her ministrations, than she ran her fingers lightly down his sides, stomach and up under his sweater to touch his warm skin before trailing them down the inside of his legs. "Yesss - strong and brave too!" she cooed in his other ear as she felt him hardening – Wedge swallowed hard at his reaction to her caresses – it was not an unfamiliar reaction but one he seldom allowed himself to experience.  

Wes laughed to himself as he watch the reactions the two new dancers were having on Wedge as Shakira returned to his side - she nibbled on his ear and nipped at his neck whispering in his ear, "Wes...darling...we have a room available now..."  

Wes grinned wickedly as he got out of his chair pulling Shakira closer to himself, kissing her deeply on the mouth as he did so, "See ya later, Veggies - have fun with the ladies!" Wes told his best friend, winking and laughing as he allowed Shakira to pull him into one of the back rooms of the club for a 'private' dance.

Chri'si looked at Wedge with large wide eyes, "Would you like us to dance for you - we will do anything to please you, Lieutenant Wedge - we will kiss and touch each other, kiss and touch you, whatever you is your wish, your pleasure, whatever gets you off, Lieutenant Wedge!" she said to him, tracing her tongue along her lips. When Wedge did not reply Chri'si and Kandi took that as acquiescence and began moving slowly to the pulsating music, grinding their hips to the beat of the drum. They danced in front of Wedge, writhing their bodies together, mouths open, breathing heavily - Kandi's fingers stroked Chri'si's face before pulling the Twi'lek female closer and kissing her; Chri'si slowly removed her mouth from Kandi's and ran her tongue down Kandi's neck and chest, pausing above her breast, biting gently at the exposed flesh there.

They both moved to Wedge again, Kandi shook her hips as she slithered to him then stood on the bottom brace of his chair - straddling him, she planted her pelvis on top of his groin feeling his arousal through his jeans and her skimpy costume gently gyrating her hips into him. Meanwhile, Chri'si approached Wedge from behind and began blowing in his ear and kissing his neck, her arms snaking around his waist, grabbing hold of him and of Kandi, stroking Kandi's thighs.

Wes stood in the shadows, watching his friend's reaction to the double-dose voluptuous female pulchritude that he was receiving - Wedge had no experience with women of any kind much less strippers and exotic dancers, even less with bisexual exotic dancers that were performing that close to him - Wes had to laugh as he was certain that if Wedge were not a virgin he was probably close.  

Even though Wedge was twenty he had little, make that no experience with women – heterosexual, bisexual or lesbian – since at the time when most boys would be beginning to date girls and discover the fairer sex he was shooting down and killing the pirates who had murdered his parents and then trying to earn a living hauling freight before joining the Rebellion where he has already lost many friends – all he knew about girls he had heard in the pilot’s ready rooms, lockers and hangers and since he had lost his family he had not let himself get close to many people for fear of losing them as well. Wedge blushed a deep red and tried to speak around the lump that had formed in his throat as he looked around for Wes – for support; spying him hiding in the shadows with the Selonian stripper still licking his ear, Wedge then sought out Luke for support but…he young Corellian shook his head at what he was seeing – Luke in the arms of another man; no that can’t be can it – he swallowed hard as his brain thought of a way to get even with Wes for doing this to him – all he wanted now was to get out of here and away from people.  

A plan began to formulate in his mind: Wedge, his face beet red with embarrassment, stood and pushed the two dancers away before quietly addressing them, "Ahm, ah, er," he stuttered, "I don’t want to r-r-r-ruin y-y-your evening’s ah, entertainm-m-ment that you h-h-had p-p-planned for me, b-b-but I-I’m af-f-fraid that I-I am not in-inter-interested in either of," he swallowed hard still blushing, "you. I am actually a-a-already spoken for – I’m here with my significant other." Knowing that Wes had a vast reputation within the squadron as a lady’s man, Wedge quickly continued as he looked around again for Wes – the fire of anger filled Wedge’s eyes as he spied Wes and looked in his direction - he than gave him his best ‘come hither look’ accompanied by the appropriate gestures. "Wes darling, don’t you think that it is time that you break it gently to the young ladies that you are MINE and that you are here with ME?" He batted his dark brown eyes at the Taanabian pilot as he made a kissy face at him. At least I learned something from Syal as she rehearsed for her plays before she left home – how to act, he thought to himself as he waited for Wes to come over to him. When Wes did not move, Wedge seductively walked over to him, wrapped his arms around his best friend in a tight embrace and kissed him on the lips letting his tongue caress the Taanabian’s. Hmmmm, not bad, Wedge thought as he began to kiss Wes even deeper.  

When Wedge dismissed the exotic dancers, Wes stood straight up - that was odd he thought briefly - well, not really, he half expected it to happen as he knew how shy his friend was: however, what happened next totally floored the Taanabian pilot - Wedge referred to Wes as his ‘significant other’, making googly eyes in his direction then... the horrors - Wedge sidled over to him then embraced and kissed him! Wes's eyebrows shot up as Wedge plunged his tongue deeper into his mouth – surprisingly though, Wes found himself responding to Wedge's kiss and enjoying it - he responded by wrapping his arms around Wedge, pulling him close, running his hands up and down his fellow pilot's back, caressing the shorter pilot’s small but muscular frame. Suddenly Wes's eyes flew open - what was he doing?!? He pried Wedge's hands off him and pushed the Corellian pilot away. "Wedge Antilles - what in all the hells of Barab are you doing!?!" Wes wiped his hand across his mouth and swallowed trying to get rid himself of that odd feeling in his mouth. Shakira handed him a shot of Whyren's, which he accepted and downed - Chri'si and Kandi came over, wondering what was going on. "Damn it Wedge - don't pull that Sith with me - Significant Other my ass!"

"Lieutenant Wes, I did not know - but if you are involved with Lieutenant Wedge, why did you request female dancers, why not request male dancers if it suits your pleasures better," Shakira asked.  

Wes shot her a glare full of vibroblades, then looked at Wedge the same way, "Shakira honey, I requested female dancers because I LIKE females - I thought my friend Wedge here did too but I guess not; looks like he needs to go join Wormie and his new friend," Wes spat before shuddering and grabbing the bottle of Whyren's off the table - he took several quick long pulls from the bottle before he was satisfied that the taste of Wedge’s tongue was out of his mouth. Wes thrust Shakira a handful of credits, "Here - this should cover everything - whatever is left, keep it." He grabbed his squadron jacket and pulled it on; pointing his finger at Wedge, he growled menacingly, "Not a word of this back at the base, Antilles or I swear to the gods I will make your life a living hell!" He stomped towards the door, brushing past the three scantily clad dancers, "Oh, and one more thing, Antilles – DO NOT ever, EVER, try that goddamn stuff again - I like women - I always have and I always will. Xendor's Minions, Wedge. I thought you were my best friend - my brother - I guess I thought wrong; there are certain lines you do not cross with a best friend and you crossed it - see you around, pal." Wes stormed out of the Cantina and just started to hastily walk back towards the base.  

Wedge just stood there listening to Wes rant – maybe he had gone too far with his revenge on Wes for doing this to him, but still..- grabbing his flight jacket off the back of his chair, he hurried out the door after his best friend. "Wes," he called out, "Wait up." Catching up with the Taanabian, Wedge grabbed his arm and spun the taller, older pilot around to face him, "Sithspawn Wes, that was a joke, so to speak, back there, revenge for what you just put me through – you know damn well I am interested only in girls – JUST LIKE YOU," he stopped and stared up at Wes than lowered his voice, "I-I-I just d-d-d-don’t know what to d-d-d-do with them," he admitted to the man who was more a brother than a friend to him. The shorter Corellian pilot looked down at his feet, shuffling from one foot to the other, "Wes, you embarrassed the Sith out of me in there – I-I-I just didn’t know what to do – the whole situation wa-wa-was, well it was- - give me a TIE to vape, a Death Star to destroy an-an-and I-I-I’m find b-b-but a girl - -" he mumbled in a soft, barely audible voice letting it trail away before he continued quietly with his confession, "I think I am the only pilot in the squadron who has never had a date: Wes - girls scare me." Wedge looked back up at his friend his dark hair falling across his forehead and into his eyes like it always does, "Can we just go back to our quarters and talk – I don’t want my heart racing, my mouth to go dry every time I am in the same room with a girl."  

Still angry Wes shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his jeans and stared at Wedge with his intense blue eyes, "Well damn it Wedge, why put on that façade - why joke around like that – that kind of stuff is not funny to me and if you want to dabble on the other side of the fence, that's fine with me, I'll still be your friend but like I told you, that's not the lifestyle I want to practice." He smacked his hand to his forehead when it finally got through to him what Wedge was saying - he began to calm down as he searched Wedge’s face knowing that his friend had trouble telling lies, "Wedge, why didn't you tell me this sooner - you know that I have a reputation of being a lady-killer: I know the ins and outs of women and how to handle them and I am also your best friend - you know that I am more than willing to help you in any way that I can!" Wes' dour expression turned back into his normally merry features.

"I did embarrass you pretty good back at Cantina Erotica didn't I Antilles," he chuckled, his eyes brightening as his smile grew wider, "Yeah, Veggies, let's go back to our quarters - I just signed you up for Wes Janson's How to talk to Women 101." He slung an arm around the younger Corellian's shoulders. "First lesson: stop stuttering and talking in a soft voice - stuttering is unattractive, it generally shows right then and there that you have no clue what to do or say - soft voices belong in the bedroom and the chances are you will not taking a girl there the first time you open your mouth to say Hi. Second: always look them in the eye when you speak to them - it shows that you are interested in what they are saying, even if you aren't." Wes said as he and Wedge neared their base, "Third: don't be scared of them -they don't bite - usually...well at least not hard; ok, most normal humanoid females don't bite, unless you ask them to, but that lesson comes later – much, much later," Wes sighed. "This may take a while, Antilles - there is so much that you need to know and that is just the basics – the actually dating stuff, well we will get to that when you’re ready."

The Taanabian pilot was quiet as he and Wedge continued their hike back to the squadron base, "Whatever you do, don't ever look at another girl when you are talking to one already - they hate that although they will not readily admit it, especially if you have just met, but it is bothersome; keep all of your attention on them unless they are airheads and nothing coherent is coming out of their mouths - then politely excuse yourself to the 'fresher and get the hell out."

Wedge pulled the collar of his flight jacket up around his neck to keep out the cool evening air as he and Wes continued their walk back to base exchanging small talk with Wes, every now and then, offering bits and pieces of advice to Wedge on how to deal with the female of a species: shortly they arrived back at the base.  

As they made their way to their shared quarters Wes thought some more, "Hmm, maybe I am getting ahead of myself a bit - first, I think, we have to get you in the same room as females and not make your heart race from fear, then we need to get you to give them appealing glances, then slowly get you into the talking phase. Gods this is going to be one hell of a project but I'm willing to do it for you, Wedge." Entering the room that they shared with Luke, Wedge locked the door behind them before taking off his jacket and tossing it over the back of the chair at his desk; "Don’t want anyone barging in and interrupting your lessons, Wes," the Corellian commented as he sat on his bunk, removed his boots and the leaned back against the wall at the head of the bed, "Ah, Wes, should I be taking notes?"  

"I don’t think that would be a good idea, Wedge," Wes replied as he took his place on the edge of his own bunk, "I have gotten the impression that this is something you don’t want to get out as general knowledge."  

"True," Wedge agreed as he crossed his legs at his ankles, "I guess I should let you know how much I do know – or in this case…well you know what I mean." Wedge leaned his head back against the wall with his arms behind his head and began to recount to his friend all he knew about dating and sex. "You know I am not stupid Wes. I do at least know the mechanics of sex but…well, when I was about eight, shortly after my sister Syal left home a couple of my friends and I were in her room looking for something – I don’t even remember what it was anymore – when we came across a couple of books hidden in the back of her closet under a bunch of stuffed animals: the books were The Enchantment, Fun and Pleasure of Sex and The More Enchantment, Fun and Pleasure of Sex. Well, we snuck them back to my room, closed and lock the door so my mom or dad wouldn’t walk in on us and we began to thumb through them looking at the pictures: it was gross Wes – really gross – I mean, well, how can I say this without sounding like I was eight again – it was ‘yucky’ looking Wes. We swore to each other and made a pack that we were never going to date or get married, much less ever have sex. Then when I was about eleven, a CorSec officer came to see my parents to obtain their assistance with a case he was investigating – my mom and dad knew many people because of their refueling station, and, as I found out later from Booster, smugglers - some of whom where much less honorable shall we say, than Booster Terrik and his friends. Anyway, this CorSec guy, whose name was Hal if I remember correctly, brought his partner with him – his son named Horwen, Corwen, Cornan, Conan – something like that, never learned their last name though – who was about six years older than me and fresh out of the CorSec academy. While his father was talking with my parents, he asked me if I wanted to see something he had brought with him – it was a book and he carried it with him in a backpack, that he had a lock on, along with other things. I told him that I wasn’t sure – then our parents, wanting some privacy to speak, told me to take him to my room and show him my collection of model ships that I had built and collected since I was five. We had been in my room for about ten minutes and I had shown him all my stuff when he sat down on my bed, unlocked and opened up his backpack, withdrawing two books, The Pleasures and Techniques of Gay Sex and Toys and More Pleasures and Techniques of Gay Sex and Toys." Wedge paused, a shudder running through his body at the memory of that and of what came next. "Then he took out some…some things and told me that they were his ‘toys’, he than locked the door to my room and opened the books to show me pictures – Wes they were…they scared me and confused me…they were pictures of men having sex with each other." Tears began to form at the corners of the young man’s eyes and he looked down at his hands in his lap; than he went on, "Then Wes, he told me to be quiet and he would show me how they did some of the stuff in the books. I told him no, I didn’t want to but he persisted and he was bigger than I was and…and…and Wes he…he…" Wedge’s face was red with embarrassment at the memories and what had happened to him – how he had been, for lack of a better word, been raped by the young CorSec officer. "He told me afterwards that if I were ever to tell anyone he would see to it that I was put in prison and tortured for daring to degrade the name and reputation of an officer in CorSec. He came back several times after that for the next year under the pretense that he was my friend and that I was interested in joining CorSec when I got out of school – and he continued doing things to me that I did not like. Finally, he stopped coming to the house but by then the damage had been done and I was scared of people like him and of any type of intimate situations so I swore to myself that I would avoid them and just not date or get involved with people. Now that I am older, and understand what he did to me, I am finding myself attracted to girls but I just don’t know how to go about meeting them much less talking to them." The young Corellian pilot finally managed to look at his friend with a tear streaked face, "You probably don’t even want to be my friend anymore or want to help me and I understand," he finished.


Continued in Part Two