Wes Janson's How to Talk to Women 101
by Commander Wedge
Wes glanced over at Wedge. "Ok. Here's lesson number one. We are going to cover what to talk about, what to order at the restaurant, and what to do when you drop her off at the front door of her home. What would you like to cover first," he asked around a bite of potato rice.
“Ah, how about me not calling Solaria tomorrow, I don’t ask her out for dinner and a movie and I stay right here while the three of you go out? No, huh,” Wedge said as Wes vehemently shook his head, “Ok, I call her tomorrow and ask her out so I guess the next step would be what to talk about on the way to the restaurant and then how to order.” He took another bit from his burger and washed it down with some fizz-pop.
Wes grinned and took another piece of endwa into his mouth. "OK. So, on the way over there, ask her about her family. Does she have brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, parents? If she asks you the same, tell her about your parents, but don't go into explicit details, you know? Talk about your interests, try and see if you two have anything in common."
Wes took another bite of potato rice. "At dinner, try and avoid anything that you know will make you, well, gassy – definitely nothing with onion or anything that makes the breath smell bad – that kind of ruins the whole goodnight kiss effect, you know? Don't order anything that is too watery or has lots of liquid, unless you are absolutely sure that you wont drip it on your shirt."
He swallowed and took a swig of his fizzy-pop. "Over dinner, avoid subjects that might gross out the normal woman. Don't talk about medical problems, the last time you puked, especially in this case. Ask her what kinds of food she likes, so you can gain insight for your next date. Ask her what kinds of holos she likes, whether she likes to have dinner first or see the holo first."
Wes slid another bite of endwa into his mouth. "Anything else? Let me think...." Wes chewed slowly. He held up his finger. "Ah yes. What do you plan on saying when you ask her out?"
Wedge dug out his data pad and keyed it on to take notes, “First of all Wes, I don’t have any medical problems and you know it; secondly, why in all the galaxy would I tell anyone about the last time I puked – huh? You only know because you were there,” Wedge demanded. “Asking her out – I don’t know what to say, I’ve never asked anyone out before.” He paused, “Ok, ask about family – do I really have to tell her about mine? I doubt we would have much if anything in common but I will give it a try. Can I talk about flying?” Wedge keyed in everything Wes was telling him. “I have to kiss her goodnight? Wes…”
Wes held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Whoa buddy, calm down. Here's what you do. Call her up. If its her that answers, say this "Hi, Solaria, this is Wedge. I met you yesterday at Wal*Mart. I was wondering if could take you up on that offer and maybe you'd let me take you to dinner and a holo?" If she says yes, ask her if Friday would be good. If she says yes again, tell her you will pick her up at 1800 hours. But, be sure you tell her six - most civilians don't know the military conversion times. If she says no, ask her what day would be good for her. You want this first date to be ultimately about her convenience."
Wes stood up and began to pace the small room. "When you pick her up, make sure you open the door. If she asks you in to wait while she finishes getting ready, make sure you help her with a coat if she wears one. Mmm. What else?" He picked up a bread chip and tossed it in his mouth. "As far as the kiss goodnight, it does not have to be a full blown kiss on the lips, like she gave you. All you need is just a small peck on the cheek. Sound good? Ooh, and you can even practice on me. Well, not the kissing part, you did that at the Cantina the other night. But I can go in the 'fresher and you can call me on the comm and ask me out, ok?"
Still holding his datapad but this time using a stylus, Wedge continued to take notes a Wes spoke, “Ok, I’ll try it your way, go into the ‘fresher and I’ll comm you,” he told his fellow pilot as he fished his personal comlink out of his pocket and waited for Wes to leave the room. “Let me know when you’re ready,” the Corellian called – seconds later Wes yelled from the ‘fresher that he was ready. Taking a deep breath, his hands trembling slightly, Wedge keyed in Wes’s comm number – he spoke when Wes answered, “H-h-hi, Solaria? Uhm, this is Wedge, Wedge Antilles, I, uhm met you at Wal-Mart the other d-d-day when I w-w-was buying s-s-some perfume for my sister. H-h-how are you?” He paused to let Wes answer. “Th-th-that’s good. I-I-I was w-w-wondering if maybe you’d like to g-g-go out w-w-with me Friday night – to d-d-dinner and a h-h-holo? W-w-we would b-b-be double d-d-dating with my friend and roommate Wes and his date,” he hurried through this last part and then waited for Wes, “Y-y-you would? That would be great. How does 1800, I mean six o’clock sound to you? Six would be fine? Good. I w-will pick you up at six – c-c-can you g-g-give me directions to your place? I-I-I live on base.” Letting out a large sigh of relief just to have finished he turned off his comm and waited for Wes to return. “How was that, Wes,” he asked, his face flushed.
Wes came out of the 'fresher. He glanced over at his friend and sighed. "It was good - for a first try. You are still stuttering quite a bit. Here. I am going to do something. Hand me your datapad." Wedge handed it over. Wes scribbled a few lines onto the screen.
<< *Take a deep breath while you wait for her to answer* Now say: "Hi Solaria, this is Wedge. We met at Wal-Mart the other day, I was buying perfume for my sister. How are you doing?" *Take another deep breath and smile while she answers* Now say: "That's great. Say, I was wondering if I could take you up on that offer of dinner. Would you like to go to dinner and maybe take in the new Keanu Reeves flick?" *Take another deep breath, more smiling* If she says yes, say this: "Great! How does Friday around 6 look for you?" If it is good, say, while smiling, "Wonderful. Could I get directions to your place so I can pick you up?" Then, you write down the directions, smile, and say this: "Sounds great. Hey, I know this is our first date and everything, but you don't mind if we make it a double date with my friend Wes, do you? He gets a little nervous around women, and I thought it would be nice for him to bring a date along so he won't feel so uncomfortable." *More smiling and deep breathing* If she says yes, she doesn ’t mind say: "Great! I really appreciate it. We'll see you on Friday around six then. Can't wait to see you!" *Wait for her to say goodbye and then hang up. Then, you have permission to faint*>>
Wes handed the datapad back. "Just read off here. Ok. Ready? I'll go into the 'fresher and we'll try again."
Wes dashed off and called out that he was ready.
“I can’t help it, Wes, girls make me nervous.”
Wedge reviewed what Wes had written on his datapad; trying to calm his shaking nerves he took a deep breath and called out to Wes that he was ready – looking over the datapad once more very quickly it dawned on him that this up coming Friday was his friend’s Life Day and that would be the perfect reason to ask Solaria out – to help him celebrate Wes’s special day - he keyed in Wes’s comlink number and began to read from Wes’s suggested script.
"Hi Solaria, this is Wedge. We met at Wal-Mart the other day, I was buying perfume for my sister. How are you doing?" He drew a deep breath while he waited for Wes to answer – just like Wes had suggested. "That's great. Uhm, I was wondering if I could take you up on that offer of dinner. Would you like to go to dinner and maybe take in the new Wynssa Starflare holo?" Following the script, Wedge took another deep breath, "Great! How does Friday around six look for you?" He paused waiting for Wes’s reply, "Great – uh, could I get directions to your place so I can pick you up?" Wedge pretended to write down directions, "Sounds great. Hey, I know this is our first date and everything, but you don't mind if we make it a double date with my friend Wes, do you? It’s his Lifeday Friday and I thought maybe a double date might be fun." With more deep breaths, he waited for Wes’s answer. "Great! I really appreciate it. We'll see you on Friday around six then. Can't wait to see you!"
Closing the connection he called out, “Ok Wes, was that any better,” as his knees gave out and he sat down hard on his bunk.
Wes came out of the 'fresher, applauding. "Much better, Wedge. Ok. I am going to make a call and we are going to do it one more time, ok?" Wes disappeared into the 'fresher again. He called up Try'ara Jinn, one of their fellow Rogue pilots. "Say Try, It's Wes. Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure" she said "What's up, Wes?"
Wes grinned. "I'm helping Wedge work up the courage to ask this girl out. We have been practicing what he is going to say over the comm, but so far he's just been asking me. Can I patch your comm into mine, so that he thinks he is asking me, but he's really asking you? I think it might help to hear a female voice on the other end." Wes waited.
"Um, sure Wes, it's a little weird, but yeah, no problem. Just let me know when."
Wes called out to Wedge, "OK, Wedge, one more time!"
Wes waited for Wedge to call, and the instant he did, he whispered GO to Try'ara and linked the comms.
Taking a deep breath, Wedge once again dialed up Wes’s comlink and spoke into to his, "Hi Solaria, this is Wedge. We met at Wal-Mart the other day; I was buying perfume for my sister. How are you doing?" but as soon as he heard a female voice on the other end he froze, unable to read the words Wes had scrawled on his datapad much less speak: breathing deeply, “Ahh, ahum, th-th-that’s great.” As he took another deep breath, he recognized the voice at the other end but it did little to settle his nerves or stomach - trying desperately to quell his flip-flopping stomach and to keep from throwing up, he looked to his datapad once more thinking that he was going to kill Janson for this one, then he tried to continue, “Ahhh, I was wondering i-if I could take you up on that offer of d-d-dinner. Would you like to go to dinner and maybe take in the new Wynssa Starflare holo?" He waited for the reply, still struggling to keep his stomach in check. “Y-you would,” a slight smile formed on his mouth and slipped into his voice, “H-how does Fr-friday around six look for you? Great – uh, could I get directions to your place so I can pick you up?" Again, he pretended to write down directions, then looked to his ‘script’ again, “I know this is our first date and everything, but you don't mind if we make it a double date with my friend Wes, do you? It’s his Lifeday Friday and I thought maybe a double date might be fun." After a brief pause, “You d-d-don’t, that’s good, I really appreciate it. We'll see you on Friday around six then. C-c-can't wait to see you."
Wedge didn’t bother to disconnect his comlink when he was up and heading to the ‘fresher nearly bowling Wes over as the other pilot was emerging from the other room – he barely made it before his stomach gave it its contents – with a hoarse, “I’m going to kill you for that one, Janson,” Wedge threw up again and again until there was nothing left in his stomach: sliding slowly to the floor, he rested his head on the cool tile of the wall and tried to regain some semblance of composure.
Wes collapsed into a fit of giggles on the floor of their room. "Oh, Wedge, I am so sorry, but I just had to. I know you will do fine talking to me, but I can't have you freezing in the middle of the conversation with Solaria, not after all of the hard work we have done. So, I thought of Try'ara and I knew she wouldn't mind." He laughed harder and poked his head back in the 'fresher.
"Oh, oh!" He picked up his comm. "Try? Still there?"
"Yeah, Wes what was that god-awful noise?"
"Oh, Wedge was throwing up. No biggie. He did it earlier today too. Thanks for your help, Try'ara."
"Anytime, Wes. Tell Wedge Good Luck."
Wes shut off the comm. "Try said good luck. OK. So. How are you feeling? Ready for lunch?" Wes handed his friend a towel and cool wet cloth.
Wedge grabbed Wes’s wrist of the hand that was handing him the wet cloth and pulled himself to his feet: glaring at Wes, he used the cloth to wipe his face then began to run water in the sink, brush his teeth and mouth to get the nasty taste out of it and splash cool water on his warm face – when he was done, “That wasn’t fair, Wes, you could have at least given me some warning.” Toweling his face dry and running a brush through his hair, he looked back at Wes, “Yeah, I’m ready for lunch” Wedge said with a slightly unsteady grin, “I think I really need it.” Leading Wes out of the ‘fresher, the younger pilot grabbed his flight jacket, “Where do you want to go – the chow hall or off base,” he asked.
Wes grinned. "Hey, all's fair in love and war. And buddy, this is love. Ok, well, not love. Maybe it's war. I dunno." He followed Wedge out of the 'fresher and grabbed his nerf-hide jacket. "Let's go off-base. I have a feeling that what they are serving at the chow hall today might look like what you just threw up. How does Ginger's Gamorrean Cuisine sound to you?" Wes asked, mischievous twinkle in his blue eyes.
“Probably taste like it too if what they keep serving could be used as a marker,” Wedge smiled, “Sure, that sounds fine – just as long as I can get some red meat – I think I really need to replace some lost nutrients after that last comm call – no thanks to you.” Together the two young men headed out of their quarters and off base to find some decent food.
Wes grinned as he followed Wedge off base. "Hey, I was just trying to help. What are friends for? If you want red meat, we may not want to go to Ginger's – it’s about like what we eat at chow hall. Say, I took Kimera to this great little restaurant down on level 16 last week – it’s called The Rebel Diner - they have a mix of all different types of cuisines there." Wes led Wedge over to the turbolift to go the hanger to pick up the speeder. "I'm driving this time."
“Sounds fine to me,” the Corellian pilot said as he tossed Wes the keys for the speeder that where still in his jacket pocket from their earlier outing, “I don’t feel quite up to driving anyhow – too much to think about – should I call her when we get back and ask her out?”
“You could,” Wes answered, “If your not too tired – I thought before we got
something to eat we’d go shopping for some civilian clothes for you – you
know, some shirts, pants, maybe a few sweaters – you need more than two
pairs of pants, a couple of shirts and a sweater in your wardrobe.”
To be Continued...
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