I flipped the light off and slid under the covers to find that he was already there. It kind of freaked me out, so I moved away a little bit, rolled onto my side, and shut my eyes. It had been one hell of a day, what with all the chaos of moving into the new base, coupled with utterly useless pilots, and despite the enticing presence next to me, I really wanted to sleep. He did not.

The bunk moved. I jumped at a gentle touch on my hip and warm breath on the back of my neck. "Um, what're you doing?" I turned my head a bit to squint at the figure pressing up against my back in the dark.

"Oh. Sorry, Airin," he said, and moved away, but only an inch or so. The hand on my hip made itself more comfortable there, and another softly rubbed my back. I wanted to move further away, but if I did, I'd fall off the bed.

"Wedge, come on," I muttered irritably, pushing his eager hands away. I curled up and really tried to fall asleep. It didn't work, so I pretended.

Then the hands were back. I almost smacked him in frustration. I settled for shoving him bodily to the other side of the bed while asking him what exactly it would take to get him to leave me alone.

"Look, I just want to hold you. That's all," he said, almost pathetically. "We're getting along so well. I just thought it'd be nice...."

"Well, yeah, but I'm trying to sleep." I sighed. "It's not that I don't want you to. It's---I don't know. Forget it."

"No, I won't. What is it?" Damn, these Rogues were stubborn.

I stared at him in the dark. "It's nothing. Forget it," I said slowly and deliberately. "It's been a really tough day, and I'm tired, so if you don't mind--" and I turned over again, and willed myself to fall asleep before he could....oh, hell. There was a hand again. This time placed carefully on my shoulder.

"You're not ready. That's it, isn't it?" Even though I was facing away from him, I nodded. "Let me guess. You've never done anything like this before, have you?" I shook my head. I felt like such a kid. "It's okay...hey. There's a first time for everyone, right?" A feather light kiss on my temple. I jerked.

"Sure, but I'd really rather not mine be now."

His hand slipped away from my shoulder, slowly, disappointedly. Then I was alone.

"Lights on."

The light blasted directly onto my face. I woke with a groan and lifted my head to squint at the clock. Too early. My head flopped back onto the pillow and I yanked the covers up over my face. A sharp tug and they were snatched away and the light was brighter than ever. "About time you get up. It's a lovely day in hell." A dark figure above me grinned. "Hey, look. Sit up, rub your eyes, stretch a little. Wake up."

"Why......?" I muttered.

"I want to talk."

"You want to talk at..." I looked at the clock again.

"Yes."

I sat up. Rubbed my eyes. Stretched a little. Rubbed my eyes again. "All right, what?"

Wedge sat on the bed next to me. "About last night." Oh boy, I thought. "I'm sorry if I came on too strong." What? "I didn't mean to scare you or anything, it's just that I really want to go further with you--" My ass, my head said. "--and, judging from your reactions to me when we're together normally--I mean, you seem happy and comfortable with me and everything--I thought you'd be--"

"Ready and willing to just throw myself at you?" I raised an eyebrow. Why was I acting angry? I wasn't angry. A little perturbed, but not angry. And he thought I was angry with him...I wasn't.

"Well, no--sort of--I shouldn't have come to that conclusion. I misjudged you, Airin, and I'm sorry." I looked up into his face. Yep, he was sorry, and I was surprised. "So, again, last night--"

"Yes, you're sorry. I know. It's OK, I guess."

"You guess?"

"Well, I haven't really had a chance to think about it, have I? But you shouldn't even be apologizing. It's not your fault I reacted the way I did."

"What do you mean?"

"I should be apologizing to you for treating you like some scary guy from--"

"Kessel?"

"Yeah."

He shifted on the bed to lay down beside me. "I understand that. Well, OK, I don't necessarily understand why you all but smacked me, but I understand why you were scared."

"I wasn't scared."

"Like Sith you weren't!" He grinned. "You were ready to tumble out onto the floor if I'd tried anything more than touching you. It's too damn cold for that here." I twisted the sheet in my hands. His smile faded. "What is it about touching that you can't stand?"

"I can stand touching." I didn't look at him.

"Not from what I've seen. Your friends hug you and you stiffen up. A superior officer reaches out in your general direction and you back away. And then what I did last night....I was just trying to relax you, but you tightened up so fast it scared me. I never knew a person could be so afraid of other people." I didn't argue. Couldn't, in all honesty, argue. Because every word was true. I fixed my gaze on the wall. I couldn't look at him. Not when he'd just laid me open, figured me out in less time than it took me to spell 'Wookiee.'

I had so many urges right then. An urge to lie down next to him, rest my head on his chest and listen to the beating of his heart; an urge to simply run my fingers through his hair and place a kiss on his forehead; an urge to straddle him unexpectedly and stare straight into his eyes. An urge to just hold his hand quietly. Because I wanted these things, or to prove him wrong, I never knew. But I did none of these things. An ache formed in my chest. I just wanted him to hold me, be safe in his arms, wanted it so bad it was all I could do not to burst into tears. If I had, Force knew he would have held me, but for all the wrong reasons. It hurt, and it hurt more that I knew I was too chicken shit to act on a single one of these thoughts. So I sat these, listened to him, watched him lie these beside me, wondered if I'd ever grow up.

God, I wanted him. I could scream, I wanted him so badly. And the really sad thing about it was, he wanted me but was holding back for my sake. For my sake. Hell. Why did I find it so hard to let this absolutely beautiful man know that I wanted his body, wanted him to screw me blind? Right. Love is easy. Like they say, it's just three little words. Lust is impossible. Hey, I could care less about you, I just want to spend a night or two with your gorgeous body. Except that's not it either because I do care. How could I not. It is love, I guess. I do care for him incredibly....What is wrong with me! What's my problem? I want him, he wants me, what's so hard about that? But see, there are doubts. There are always doubts, and they worm their way inside my head and say but does he really want you? Where's the proof? No one's ever wanted you before, why should it start now? Why are you worthy of his affections? This is what stops me. The doubts say it can't be real and I go right ahead and believe them, against my better judgment. That's why I'll never say anything. That's why I'm going to let the chance of a lifetime pass me by.

Finis

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