Due to the recent arrest of our usual columnist, Senator Borsk Fey'lya, the Times has asked Lt Hobbie Klivian to answer this week's mail.

Q: I'm a female Quarren. My male co-workers insist on hanging holos of half-naked females (of their respective species) on the newsboard in our breakroom. Quarren etiquette demands that I give them three warnings before I break their forelegs. Can I get away with only two warnings?

A: You should stop complaining and put up some holos of your own. I hear that Vran the Vn'gul is extremely popular among young Quarren these days, and you can find totally nude photos of him on the holonet. Give me your comm-net number and I'll send you some.

Q: I'm bored with the usual spice and floral scented massage oils. Can you recommend something new and different?

A: One of the best is Rejuvenate by Zaltin, a bacta-scented oil that relaxes the muscles and heals minor abrasions. Another good choice is Pilot by Xucphra, with a slightly stronger smell. My all-time favorite is Hot Chocolate, also by Zaltin-- bacta mixed with, you guessed it, chocolate. Warm it in your hands before you spread it, then lick it off. Great for sore throats.

Q: There's this terrible smell coming from the apartment next door. It smells like camel and keeps me up at night. I live in a nice building in the upper levels-- isn't there some ordinance against keeping smelly animals inside? I've tried complaining to the super, but nothing helps. What should I do?

A: Tell Senator Fey'lya to take a bath.

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