Notice: Do not call me for a good time.

Q:I have looked everywhere for an old (non-digitally remastered) copy of A New Hope, but I have yet to find it. Can you recommend a holovid distributor that might carry it?

A: First, I must applaud you for your commitment to traditional methods of holography. Though many tout the supposed "improvements" of this digital method, true connoisseurs recognize the inherent superiority of the original film. We are surrounded on all sides by the modernizers, yet soon all will realize that only tradition will save us all.
That said-- what are you thinking, watching A New Hope? It doesn't have one single Bothan in it, despite our integral part in the battle of Yavin. Well, not in the battle per se, but in the making of the battle. I call a boycott on Episode 4 until the Senate remedies this situation!

Q: I have this, like, bigproblem. My gym teacher, like, thinks I should participate more. Yah! Like I wanna run a mile and get all gross and sweaty and stuff. How can I get him off my back?

A: Discipline, my child-- discipline. Where would our galaxy be without the brave masses who learned discipline at the Bothan Military Academy? We would still be under the power of the Emperor. Stay at your school and learn discipline; then you may be fit for a career in politics-- like massaging my poor feet and peeling my grapes.

Q: Why is the sky blue?

A: I must assume that you are not from Coruscant, as the sky here is invariably gray and misty. The sky on Bothawui, of course, is an uninterrupted expanse of the clearest blue that one can imagine. Not a cloud to be seen unless I call for them, for I alone control the skies. Yes, I, Fey'lya, am Lord of the Blue Sky! Ahahahaahah!

Check out next week's issue, where Fey'lya claims to have invented the hyperdrive.

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