Due to an unfortunate domestic altercation stemming from last week's column, Senator Fey'lya was unable to answer this week's questions. Cards and flowers may be sent to him C/O The Trauma Center, Mercy Medcenter, Palace District. In his place, we have the heartfelt advice of Lieutenant Wes "Dr. Love" Janson.

Q: My family has always been close. However, something happened recently that has us divided. My cousin, "Bubba," just announced his intention to play smashball for the Crusaders next season. His father won't even let him in the house now, and his mother has started wearing mourning clothes. How can we convince Bubba that he's bringing shame on the family; and if he doesn't listen, can we legally force him to change his name?

A: It's always a tough situation when your family disappoints you. Like my girlfriend says, "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family's nose." Or something. What I mean is, Bubba needs to understand that playing for a poodoo team makes him, and by extension you, look like poodoo. If he can't understand this, I suggest you do what any loving cousin would do-- have him locked up until he comes to his senses.

Q: My boyfriend's a bit timid about the idea of using bondage in our...'recreational activities'. How do you reccomend that I change his mind?

A: Well, who's tying who? (note to girlfriend-- don't correct my grammar) If he's really into dominance, he's not going to willingly give that up. Maybe you should offer him a trade.. his fantasy for yous. Like my girlfriend says, "You can lead a guy to water, but you can't make him fall in unless you shake it up just out of reach."

Q: I've been with my wife for seven years. We have a great marriage and sex life, except for one thing. There's one act that she just won't perform, no matter how much I beg. She says it's icky and it tastes bad. How can I get her to kiss me?

A: Brush. Your. Teeth. Like my girlfriend says, "Eww."

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